Stages of Grief
Grief is the expression of love for a person who has died, that has nowhere to go. - Natacha Pennycooke
November is a difficult month for the Pennycooke family. So much loss, sorrow and emotional pain has been experienced in this month, and each year the hurt creeps in like an unwanted creature claiming its territory.
In my personal life I have struggled with the concept of death. It is so final. It is a finale many of us do not understand, nor have we been taught how to let go of the hurt and pain that comes with death. As a mental health professional who specializes in trauma, grief in one form or another is something I deal with on a daily basis. And although grief and loss are felt from a number of life transitions, the sorrow, pain and emotional hurt of losing a loved one physically feels different. I often explain this kind of grief as the expression of love for a person who has died, that has nowhere to go.
Grief as an emotion is hard to understand, as it encompasses different emotions at different stages. Grief and the grieving process often goes through 7 different stages.
These are called the 7 stages of grief.
The first stage is Shock. Shock happens because the news of loss is new, fresh and has not fully sunk in. This first stage often brings a sense of numb as an initial way to protect your feelings from the intense hurt that you are not yet prepared to deal with.
The second stage is Denial. Denial is a disbelief and a rejection of what has happened. This is where you often ask the questions of, ‘Why’ and ‘But how..’. During this time, you may have forgetful moments and have a hard time concentrating or making decisions.
The third stage is Anger. Anger may come in waves as you may be looking for someone or something to blame for the loss. Anger can come in the form of questioning God, yourself, others or past events – anything to help you makes sense of the death. Oftentimes the expression of anger is a cover up for deeper feelings of sadness, guilt or regret.
The fourth stage is Bargaining. Bargaining is another attempt to make sense of the death and to ease the guilt, by trying to ‘right the wrong’ or by playing ‘if’. You know, ‘If I had only stayed longer, I could have said goodbye’ or ‘If I knew they were sick, I would have visited more.’
The fifth stage is feelings of Depression. When the pain of grief becomes too much to bear, feelings of depression may be present. The signs are wanting to isolate, not take part in social activities, changes in appetite, not having motivation or energy, restlessness, not being able to sleep or sleeping too much, feeling worthless or hopeless. **If you are experiencing any of these feelings, please seek out support from a registered mental health professional.
The sixth stage is Acceptance & Hope. Acceptance is about regaining some control over your actions even if you cannot change the circumstance. Hope is about receiving support (and allowing others to) help you release the pain, sorrow and hurt of grief.
The seventh stage is Processing the Grief. This is where you give yourself permission to grieve in the ways you need to. It is important to grieve in healthy ways that allow the pain to be released, and to make space for healing.
My grieving process involves music, food and gathering together in community. Whatever ways grieving happens for you, be sure to connect it to an important part of your healing journey. A journey that allows for safe connection and experiences that tells your pain, hurt and sorrow that it is okay, normal, valid and allowed to take up space when needed.
If you are experiencing difficult emotions around grief, loss or other life transitions, our team of registered mental health professionals can help you heal the hurt, pain and trauma to find peace and joy again.
Journeying with you,
Natacha Pennycooke